Friday, October 29, 2004

so. so gorgeous last night. and I wake up feeling oh so nauseous. a friend puked in my sink. took him home then I went to a party and drank. yuck. not too much, but enough to help me let go and dance, which is what I was inspired to do after watching an incredible performance. we threw ourselves into leaps and spins and marionette dramatic gropes and postured and for the first time in a while I didn’t worry so much what others thought, like if I was embarassing myself. nope, this time I danced as if my lover was dancing beside me, and felt great, sexy, alive. I used to dance that way all the time.

the best part was that people came. The people I like. I was hoping they would. but for friends from different groups to merge, it takes a certain amount of open-mindedness. I wondered who out of the program would be open enough to go. Perhaps this shows how little I trust anyone, how little I think of them. They can be cool. When they aren’t making you crazy. Maybe we’re adjusting to each other’s freakishness. The thing is, the older you get, if you’re a poet/artist, the less you care about hiding your eccentricities. so we’re all learning to deal with everyone letting their everything all hang out.

sometimes it seems we’re just kids. geez. it’s nice to be kids and play. To get drunk at parties and dance and genuinely enjoy one another’s antics. I didn’t do this nearly enough when I was working in ny. oh that’s not true. but this does feel young. maybe it’s just that we’re in the middle of nowhere. i need to get back to the old school milf hunter type woman hunts...heh

I didn’t speak with her exactly, but we ended up on the same side of the porch, next to each other, talking to the same people. this always happens. I become very aware of our bodies, and how even though she is next to me, hell, I lit her cigarette, her eyes hidden under her hat, so even though she is next to me for a time, there is nothing I can do or say to make it easier, so that we could talk. I don’t know why it seems there is this wall between us. I feel like it might just be age. She is so obviously into me, or at least interested. I mean she doesn’t run away. She seems open to me, curious, but, like me, doesn’t want to ruin anything by saying the wrong thing. So what we share is some pretty strong silence. So if she wants me, she'll have to get over her fears, and learn how to treat me a little better. She'll need to grow up a little.

Or maybe it is because she’s a libra. I’ve realized that three of the friends with whom I’ve felt disappointment here are all libras. weird. I don’t know any other libras. Are they this all over the place and difficult to talk to?

Friday, July 02, 2004

She's sweet, and true, and I admire her. I am jealous she punches all of my friends, affectionately. She doesn't do anything with me except act awkward.

Oh. something funny. I saw the woman I asked out. In the grocery store parking lot. No wait, first I saw her in the store. I don’t think she saw me. I quickly grabbed my things and went to the cashier, and then I slowed down, like, wouldn’t it be great to run into her. it’s the first time I’ve seen her since I went to her workplace that last time, and she is hot. What is it about simple jeans and a tshirt that is so sexy. so I waited around but she didn’t show up and I assumed she somehow left before me. then I did another errand and when I was done, on a hunch, I came back, and there she was putting her groceries in her car. I was like, this was meant to happen, so I started to drive closer and thought I’d just pull up along side and tell her about the party and try again.

Just then another woman pulled up alongside, and they were friends, and she leaned over in that very sexy way one does, into the driver’s side window, hand on the roof of the car, and then the woman in the car got out and they talked. For 20 minutes. I pulled into a space and watched through my rearview. Every now and then she looked like she was looking right at me. Maybe she saw my ny license. Maybe she could see me, or maybe she saw me in the grocery store. I have no idea. It seems likely that she could see me and that she did not want to talk to me. I enjoyed watching her but I felt like a stalker, and it didn’t feel right. I mean, I didn’t have confidence. Because while she was very flirtatious in person, she never returned my phone calls. So she missed out. And what was I doing, what was I hoping for? I tried to summon my guts and promised myself that when her friend left I’d dash over and say hi. But when her friend left she immediately got in her car and pulled out. In a hurry. I made it only half way across the street. And I felt like a dork standing there watching her drive off, sure that she could see me. Butches shouldn’t treat femmes that way. If a butch is shy she should still be strong and make it just a little bit easier for the femme to approach. Oh well. Maybe I’ll see her again. Now I know where she shops. I'll pose in front of the tomatoes. She won't be able to resist