so. so gorgeous last night. and I wake up feeling oh so nauseous. a friend puked in my sink. took him home then I went to a party and drank. yuck. not too much, but enough to help me let go and dance, which is what I was inspired to do after watching an incredible performance. we threw ourselves into leaps and spins and marionette dramatic gropes and postured and for the first time in a while I didn’t worry so much what others thought, like if I was embarassing myself. nope, this time I danced as if my lover was dancing beside me, and felt great, sexy, alive. I used to dance that way all the time.

the best part was that people came. The people I like. I was hoping they would. but for friends from different groups to merge, it takes a certain amount of open-mindedness. I wondered who out of the program would be open enough to go. Perhaps this shows how little I trust anyone, how little I think of them. They can be cool. When they aren’t making you crazy. Maybe we’re adjusting to each other’s freakishness. The thing is, the older you get, if you’re a poet/artist, the less you care about hiding your eccentricities. so we’re all learning to deal with everyone letting their everything all hang out.

sometimes it seems we’re just kids. geez. it’s nice to be kids and play. To get drunk at parties and dance and genuinely enjoy one another’s antics. I didn’t do this nearly enough when I was working in ny. oh that’s not true. but this does feel young. maybe it’s just that we’re in the middle of nowhere. i need to get back to the old school milf hunter type woman hunts...heh

I didn’t speak with her exactly, but we ended up on the same side of the porch, next to each other, talking to the same people. this always happens. I become very aware of our bodies, and how even though she is next to me, hell, I lit her cigarette, her eyes hidden under her hat, so even though she is next to me for a time, there is nothing I can do or say to make it easier, so that we could talk. I don’t know why it seems there is this wall between us. I feel like it might just be age. She is so obviously into me, or at least interested. I mean she doesn’t run away. She seems open to me, curious, but, like me, doesn’t want to ruin anything by saying the wrong thing. So what we share is some pretty strong silence. So if she wants me, she'll have to get over her fears, and learn how to treat me a little better. She'll need to grow up a little.

Or maybe it is because she’s a libra. I’ve realized that three of the friends with whom I’ve felt disappointment here are all libras. weird. I don’t know any other libras. Are they this all over the place and difficult to talk to?